I Just Can't Do This Anymore
by Still Waters
Summary: Jackie makes a big decision.


I remember watching this series a number of years ago. It was one of the many that I enjoyed that didn't seem to last very long. Blessed/Cursed (take your pick) with a very active imagination, I have probably fiddled around with stories ideas for most of the shows I ever watched. This one was no exception, and when I saw a category for it and some wonderful stories (thanks, Ibonekoen), I decided to dig out some of the old notebooks (that's how we wrote before computers, kiddies) and see if I had anything worth contributing. I didn't, but after a little reworking (have you read stuff you wrote some 15 years ago? Scary) I decided to post this one. It's my take on what happened to Jesse and Jackie's marriage. I've got another one I may dust off and work on a bit if anyone is interested… 

I Just Can't Do This Anymore

By Still Waters

The mood around the Hawkes family dinner table was tense, the silence almost like another person. Even eight year old Cody knew something was wrong. He decided to try to start some conversation.

"Great dinner, Mom, even if it is a little dry," he told her with a smile.

Wrong thing to say.

Jackie Hawkes set her glass down hard and threw her husband an even harder glare.

"Well, if SOME people would get home at a decent hour, I might be able to serve a meal that's edible from time to time."

Jesse Hawkes sighed. He wasn't sure he could muster up the energy to have this conversation again. But Cody and fifteen year old Matt were looking at him, so for the sake of his family, he would try.

"Sorry, babe. Sometimes we get up there and we just completely lose track of time," he told her, forcing an apologetic smile to his lips. 

Jackie would have none of it, though, and turned her attention back to her plate without comment.

Before the silence could become solid again, Cody piped up. "You should see the place we found today, Mom. There's this place by the river where all these deer come to drink. Some of them were probably not more than a few days old, Dad said. Right, Dad?"

Jesse nodded as he continued to eat. 

"He said that maybe tomorrow we can go further upstream and see where some of the other animals drink. I think I got some really good pictures," he continued, prattling on about what he had done that day and what was planned for the next. 

Jackie continued pushing the food around her plate. She couldn't help the smile that crept on to her face as she listened to her youngest chatter. Not only did he have his father's dark hair and looks, he had most certainly inherited his father's love of the mountain. They both had, she thought, looking across the table at Matt, who was watching his little brother with a bemused smile. Though her firstborn had her blonde hair and fair complexion, he also had a love of the outdoors and the remote life that was foreign to her. Here, in the heart of her family, where a person should feel most at home, she felt like an outsider.

She stood, picking up her still almost full plate. "This is kind of dry, isn't it?" she commented in way of explanation as she headed towards the kitchen. 

"Tastes great to me, Mom," Matt assured her.

"Delicious, as always," Jesse added, though when he brought his plate to the sink, she noticed that he had eaten little more than she had. 

"Hey," Cody called out in his own defense. "I didn't say it wasn't good, I just said that is was a little dry. And it's really not that dry, either. Just that first bite, I guess."

"Judging by how much you ate, that's pretty obvious," Matt teased his brother, indicating his empty plate. 

"Yeah, well I don't see you leaving much either," Cody shot back.

"Guys," their dad called, "If we're going where you want tomorrow, we're going to have to get a pretty early start. You might want to get to bed pretty soon."

"Dad," Cody answered, "It's just barely even dark outside."

"And it will still be dark when we get up in the morning," Jesse responded. "Now off to bed."

Muttering under his breath, Cody brought his dishes into the kitchen.

"Need any help?" Jackie asked him.

"Getting ready for bed?" her eight year old asked incredulously. "Mom, get real!" he told her as he rolled his eyes.

"Sorry. Don't know what I was thinking," she told him with a sad smile. 

"Me either," he answered as he headed towards his bedroom. Jackie turned back to accept the dishes that Matt had brought. As Cody reached the threshold of the living area, he turned and called softly.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

She turned and smiled at him. "I love you too, baby."

With a final smile, he turned and headed off to bed.

"You need some help with the dishes?" Matt asked. 

Jackie shook her head. "No, I think I've got it. You should probably head off to bed, too."

Matt turned to his dad. "Do you need some help getting the horses bedded down?" he asked. 

The three Hawkes men had been so late in returning for dinner that they hadn't bothered unsaddling the horses. Jesse had figured it would be better to leave the horses waiting than to leave Jackie waiting any longer than she already had been. 

"No, thanks. I think I can handle it, son," his father told him. "Why don't you go ahead and call it a day, too? Tomorrow will be here before you know it."

"I'm not that tired. Maybe I'll sit up and read for a while, if that's okay," he told them, looking from one to the other for approval.

"Just so long as you don't whine about being tired when it's time to get started in the morning," Jesse acceded. Her back to them, Jackie just nodded.

When Jesse returned to the cabin some time later, the kitchen was spotless, the dishes all washed and put away. Jackie was nowhere in sight. He made a tour of the house, peeking into Cody's room where the moonlight revealed that, as usual, the boy had fallen quickly to sleep. Also, as usual, he had already kicked his blankets off. With an affectionate smile, Jesse carefully restored them to their place and gently ruffled the sleeping child's hair before backing from the room. In Matt's bedroom, the lamp burned softly next to the bed where the teenager sat propped on a pillow reading. 

Matt looked up when he felt his father's presence. "Is everything all right, Dad?"

"Everything's fine, Matt. Don't be up too late," Jesse warned.

"I won't," Matt assured him. He paused for a moment, not sure how to ask the question on his mind. "Dad…are you sure…"

"Everything's fine, son," Jesse repeated. "I'll see you in the morning."

He pulled the door closed on Matt's weak smile. He hoped he was telling the truth. 

When he got to the master bedroom, he was surprised to find it empty. Jackie wasn't really much for wandering around outside, especially at night, but there wasn't anywhere else in the small cabin that she could be. 

He slipped back into his jacket and picked up hers as he headed out the front door. It didn't take very long to find her sitting huddled on the wood pile around the side of the cabin. He held out her jacket, not commenting on the tears on her face.

"It gets kind of chilly out here in the evenings."

"Thank you," she murmured softly as she stood to allow him to help her slide it on. 

He leaned back against the cabin wall, looking up at the starry vista overhead. He would wait. When she was ready, Jackie would tell him what was on her mind. 

Finally, she whispered softly, "I just can't do this anymore."

"Look, sweetheart, I'm really sorry about dinner."

She shook her head. "This isn't about dinner, Jesse. It's all of this," she told him, gesturing to indicate the cabin and the wide open spaces around them. "The isolation, the loneliness…I just can't take it anymore."

"It never seemed to bother you before," Jesse commented.

"It's always bothered me," she corrected. "But when we were up here before, it was temporary. I could always remind myself that we would be going back to town once school started or once the first heavy snow was headed this way. Besides, I had the boys back then. When they were younger, they needed me…they kept me busy so that I didn't notice so much."

"They still need you, sweetheart," he told her soothingly.

She shook her head sadly. "No, they don't. Not anymore…not really. The three of you take off and spend all day roaming the mountain while I'm here all by myself."

"You're more than welcome to come with us," Jesse reminded her.

She laughed softly. "Then we could all be miserable together. Come on, Jesse. You know this isn't my world up here."

"You knew that the plan was to come up here permanently once I retired," he told her.

"Yes, but I thought I'd have a lot longer to prepare myself for that. I didn't expect you to retire quite so soon," she added.

His mind flashed back to the incident. He knew he had done his best, and the board of inquiry that had been convened had cleared him of any negligence, but there were entirely too many questions left unanswered. With his self-confidence bruised and many on the team questioning his decisions, he no longer felt that he was the best leader for the group that he had founded so many years before. The decision to take an early retirement had surprised many, but he had explained that search and rescue was a job for the young.

"I never expected to retire so early either, babe, but it wasn't exactly my choice. The decision was made for me and you know it," he told her angrily, remembering the men who had come to him, men that he had trained, asking if he didn't think it was time for someone younger to take over his duties.

"And for probably the only time in your life, you went down without a fight," Jackie fired back.

"Maybe I thought they were right," he told her.

She shook her head and held up her hands placatingly. "It really doesn't matter, Jess. You made your decision and now I'm making mine. I want to go back to Tahoe."

Jesse said nothing, just lifted his eyes to the stars again. Jackie waited patiently while he gathered his thoughts. Finally, he shook his head.

"I can't go back there," he told her softly.

"I know. I'm not asking you to go. You're as out of place there as I am up here," she agreed. 

"So this is it."

She shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know anything right now except that I have to get back to civilization."

Again, silence fell between them. 

Finally, he got up nerve to ask, "And what about the boys? I suppose you want to take them with you."

"Of course I want to take them with me," she told him.

"And what if I won't let you," he asked her, his voice low and dangerous. "They're my kids, too, and you know full well that they don't belong down there anymore than I do."

His anger set off something inside of her. "They're kids, Jesse. They'll adjust. Do you think any judge in his right mind would give custody of two children to a man who chooses to live out in the middle of nowhere, miles away from schools, friends, or medical care? They're my kids as well and I have to think about what's best for them."

"A judge, huh? If you want a fight on this, sweetheart, I'll give you a fight," he started.

Before he could continue, she held up her hand again. "I'm sorry, Jess. I don't want to fight…about this or about anything. If you'd let me finish what I started to say…"

She looked up at him and waited. After a moment, he shrugged his shoulders, an action she had learned to recognize as his way of saying he was listening.

"As I said, of course I want to take them with me. I may not be the greatest mother in the world…"

"You're a great mother. Handpicked you myself," Jesse assured her with a grin.

She smiled back, "but they are my children and I love them with all my heart. I want what is best for them."

Jesse started to say something, but bit back his comment when he saw how she was struggling with what she was going to say next.

"I've thought long and hard about this, Jesse. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I think that it's the right one."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I think that, for now, the boys would be better off staying here with you."

She sat silent, the statement having drained her. Jesse just looked at her, stunned into silence.

Finally, she spoke again, her voice flat and tired. "I'll have to get a job."

"Doing what?"

"I don't know. It's not like I have a whole lot of marketable job skills, going directly from high school into marriage and motherhood," she reminded him. "Still, there was this guy at the supermarket a few weeks ago who told me he would find me something at the topless club he manages if I was ever in the market for a job."

Jesse looked at her, eyes narrowed, and she smiled sadly back at him.

"Just kidding. He did make the offer, but it's not something I could ever do. I could probably find something waiting tables or maybe working at one of the casinos. They're always looking for people. The thing is, I'd probably be working long hours and possibly even some late shifts and I just wouldn't be able to give the kids the supervision that they need."

"Matt's old enough he doesn't really need a whole lot of supervision and he would probably help out with Cody," Jesse told her as he finally sat down next to her on the woodpile.

She shrugged. "That wouldn't exactly be fair to Matt. I know he loves Cody and would take care of him, but he shouldn't have that much responsibility for him. Matt needs to be his brother, not his caretaker. Besides, I can't see taking them away from the life they love, from the father they love, just to leave them on their own all the time." She stopped speaking as the sobs took over.

Her husband wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, rocking her gently until the worst of it had passed.

Jesse took her chin in his hand and turned her to face him. "Are you sure about this?" he asked softly.

She just nodded, not trusting her voice anymore.

They sat together in silence, contemplating the changes that awaited them.

Inside the house, next to the window above their heads, Matt bowed his head, allowing a few tears to roll down his face. He wasn't eavesdropping…not exactly. After all, this was his future they were talking about. As the silence outside continued, he got up and headed to his bedroom. He had some serious thinking to do.

Breakfast the next morning was a subdued affair. Cody and Matt gobbled down their food, Cody because of his excitement about the days plans, and Matt because of his hope that if they could get out of there fast enough, his parents wouldn't tell him what he knew they were going to tell him. 

I didn't work, though. 

When the meal was finished and the dishes cleared away, Jesse asked the two boys to remain at the table. 

"But Dad," Cody cajoled, "If we don't get started now, we won't make it up to that spot you told us about before we'd have to turn around and head back."

"I think maybe we'll wait until tomorrow to go up there," Jesse told them. "Right now, your mother and I need to talk to you."

Cody gulped, finally realizing that something major was going on. He looked to his brother in panic. Matt tried to reassure him, but he knew that his smile probably looked as sickly as he felt.

Jesse cleared his throat and looked over to Jackie, eyebrows raised. She sighed. This had been her decision, it was her responsibility to tell her children. She cleared her throat and looked across the table.

"I've decided to go back to Tahoe," she told them softly. 

"Tahoe?" Cody asked incredulously. "What's in Tahoe?"

Jackie looked at him, memorizing every detail. "There are people in Tahoe, Cody…and stores and restaurants and theaters…civilization."

"We don't need all that stuff," Cody commented derisively.

"I need that stuff," Jackie told him softly.

"Fine. Then you go to Tahoe by yourself and leave us here," he told her, his voice an echo of his father's.

"That's exactly what I plan to do," she told him. He looked back at her in shock. "I know how much you love it up here…all of you," she said, looking around the table at the three men in her life. "I know how miserable you'd be down there…as miserable as I am up here."

She watched the two boys, hoping for some sign of understanding. "Please understand that this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And I know it's going to be even harder to follow through, but I really feel that it's the best thing for everyone. Down there, I'll have to get a job and would probably be working some long hours. It wouldn't be fair to leave you on your own that much. Up here, you'll have your dad watching you, making sure you do your homework…"

She was fighting tears as she continued, still unable to read the expressions on Matt and Cody's faces. "Besides, it's not like Tahoe is that far away. I can come up here sometimes or you can come down there to spend some time with me every once in a while…" She turned to Jesse.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. Get them out of my hair from time to time and expose them to a little bit of your culture down there," Jesse agreed.

"So does this mean you're getting a divorce?" Cody asked them.

Jesse and Jackie looked at one another in surprise. The question hadn't come up in their discussion the previous night and neither was certain how the other felt about the matter. Finally, Jackie took a chance and shook her head. 

"No. Not now. I still love your father and I love being married to him." She paused, relieved as Jesse nodded in agreement. "We just can't live together right now and this seems to be the best solution."

"When are you leaving?" Matt asked, his face still an unreadable mask.

"I'll radio for the chopper to come pick her up as soon as it's daylight," Jesse informed them. "No use dragging this out any longer than we have to."

"And we don't get any say in the matter," Matt commented, his arms crossed over his chest and his chin set stubbornly.

Jackie looked at him in confusion. Jesse narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. 

"What would you want to say about the matter?" he asked.

Matt took a deep breath. "I'd say that I want to go to Tahoe with Mom," he told them, forcing the words out in a quick mouthful.

He waited. He feared an explosion from his dad, but the flash of gratitude in Jackie's eyes was enough to convince him that he had made the right decision. 

It was Cody, though, who spoke next. 

"Are you nuts, Matt? You love it up here!"

Matt nodded. "Yeah, I do. But I love it down there, too." It wasn't really a lie. He did like it down there…and he would adjust. "I'm in high school now. Unlike you, Toad, I've got friends down there and I've got a pretty good chance of making the basketball team. I want to hang out with my friends, go to dances and parties. I'm fifteen now, it's not like I need someone watching out for me all the time."

Three sets of eyes continued to stare at him: Jackie's shiny and hopeful, Cody's full of confusion and doubt, and Jesse's narrowed and considering. 

"Besides," he continued, "I've got to start thinking about college pretty soon. It will be easier to collect the information and stuff if I'm down there." 

'And Mom won't be alone,' he thought.

Suddenly, Jesse leaned back. Matt looked in his eyes and realized that his father understood…and he was proud of his decision.

"Well, if that's what you really want and if it's all right with your mother…" he finally commented.

Jackie smiled at him, the closest he had seen to her real smile in a very long time. "I'd love to have him."

"You'd better get started packing, son," Jesse told him, his voice thick with emotion.

"Come on and give me a hand, Toad," he said, ruffling his little brother's hair. 

"So you can leave?"

"Hey, Cody, it's not forever," Matt reassured him, squatting next to his chair so that he was at eye level with the younger boy. "Like Mom said, Tahoe isn't that far away. You can come down here to visit, and I'll come up here on school breaks and during the summer. Then you can show me all the neat new things you've found."

"It won't be the same," Cody muttered.

"Come on." Matt took his arm and pulled him from the chair.

Jackie looked over at Jesse. "Are you really okay with Matt coming with me?" she asked.

He looked at her and nodded. "It's what he wants. We raised him right and we have to trust his ability to make decisions now. Besides, I think I'll be a little more comfortable knowing you're not down there on your own."

She frowned. "You don't think that's why he's going with me, do you? Because I don't want him to feel pressured to do something he doesn't really want to do out of some feeling of obligation."

"I think it may be a part of it, Jackie. It's normal for sons to worry about their parents as they get older and you and Matt have always been close. But I also think that he really wants to finish up school and hang out with his friends and all the other stuff he mentioned," Jesse assured her.

"Do you really think I'm doing the right thing, Jesse?" she asked softly.

He walked over and put his arms around her. "As hard as it is to let you go, babe, I do think it's the right thing for you right now. I can't remember the last time I saw you smile like you really meant it. I just hadn't realized until you told me how miserable you are up here."

"I'm sorry, Jesse. I know how much this means to you. I really tried…"

He stroked her hair in a soothing motion. "I know, babe. It's just hard for me to understand that this place isn't for everyone. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Always remember that you have a home here, anytime you want to come back…whether to stay or just for a visit, this will always be your home."

She looked up at him, tears glittering on her face. "And you'll always have a home right here," she told him, taking his hand and placing it over her heart.

Later that morning after a last minute flurry of hugs and tears, the chopper lifted off from the clearing in front of the Hawkes' cabin. Jesse and Cody waved until the vehicle carrying Jackie and Matt to their new life was no longer even a speck in the distance.

"It just won't be the same," Cody muttered under his breath.

"No, it won't," Jesse agreed softly. "But we'll make it work. Because we still love each other and we're still family, and nothing will ever change that."

The End. 


End file.
